


What If Heaven Doesn’t Let Me In?

by flyingfanatic



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 05:30:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6410719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingfanatic/pseuds/flyingfanatic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One-shot request through HerStoryForHeda on tumblr, encouraging folks to donate to The Trevor Project by writing tailor-made fanfics.</p><p>Inspired by Seafret, specifically Oceans and Tell Me It’s Real.</p><p>Clarke leaves for Arkadia with Indra and Octavia, while Lexa moves in to place on the blockade. Standing with their people, once again on opposite sides of the battle lines, Clarke and Lexa reflect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What If Heaven Doesn’t Let Me In?

Walking along the line of her assembled army, Lexa gathers in to herself all her emotions, all her thoughts, and steadily passes through them, carefully assessing each one.

Jus drein jus draun was easy in a life stripped of emotion. Throughout her training Lexa was taught that death had meaning. Both hers and the lives she took. It was the only thing that gave anyone’s life any value. 

But how can she seek the blood of others now she finally has something to live for?

Now staying alive has meaning all of its own.

/

Part of Clarke tortures herself. She listens to Abby voice her concerns about Jasper and Raven. She sees the grimace on Harper’s face when Monty tells her about the village, and Munroe.

That part wonders whether she did the right thing. These are her people, and they have suffered.

But then she thinks back to the massacre. To the look in Lexa’s eyes when she called for blood. If she had not have been there, Clarke wonders, would Lexa have chosen mercy?

So many choices: Nia’s vote of no confidence; the fight with Roan; Nia’s death; the attempted killing by one of Lexa’s own people. The election in Arkadia, Kane’s brand, the peacekeeping army. There is no way to know what may have happened if Clarke had not have been by Lexa’s side. 

Now there’s no choice. She had to leave Lexa’s side just as she’d finally admitted that she wanted to be there.

Yet as she thinks of Lexa and looks around the assembled faces of the Sky People that could actually save themselves, and realises that not one of them knows. That they could fail or win and that the secret thread that tugs out past the walls to the fires in the trees might stay invisible forever.

Only Octavia and Indra have any idea that anything beyond the play of one power against another has passed between her and Lexa.

/

The thought Lexa will not let in to her head is that this might not work. Clarke has gone forth before, a secret agent in her own camp, and come back unable to sway her own people.

Lexa has a single mark at the juncture of where her shoulder and neck meet, just low enough to be hidden under her clothes. Sometimes she’ll shift slightly and she can feel the hard lines of her armour rub against it. During the snatches she can be alone, she pulls back her shirt just far enough to touch it with her fingertips. She cannot see it, but it is there.

Proof in those moments when that all too short afternoon begins to seem like something from another life.

Just at the edge of her mind, where she refuses to let it in, is the thought that she may never see Clarke again. Or they may meet again but stay always divided by tables of negotiation and the steps of their individual thrones. Staring at each other across a distance small enough to reach out and touch, but forever held back by their people.

Forever reaching for someday.

/

On one side of the dead ground between tree and fence fires flicker in the night. On the other side, gun scopes blink when they catch the edge of the flames.

The apparently short distance looks like an impossible gulf, as wide as the sea. Still, an ocean is nothing to a love that fell from space.

Come the morning, Lexa and Clarke will fight for their people, in the hope that they will someday be free enough to love.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to hear what you guys think of this, comments encouraged and appreciated! Also, if you'd like to make a request for a one shot of your own for any femslash pairing and help out a good cause with a donation as small as a $1, those of us at herstoryforheda.tumblr.com would love to take your prompts. Check us out and see how we're trying to help the Clexakru raise money for the Trevor Project.


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